Today, I had one of those shocks when you realize that, even though you thought that you'd achieved that new level of being a consciousness where you are above all of the things that used to hold you down, you're really just where you started. All of the old insecurities still have a hold of you, and you haven't really been as dedicated as you thought to becoming that new, better, more whole version of you. I have been single for almost two years now, and my original intent was to become comfortable with myself, because I saw that something in the way I dealt with others wasn't healthy. Everyone kept telling me that I had to love myself before I loved someone else, and yet I just kept plowing forward with men's attraction and interest in me creating the foundation for my self-worth. Well, thank goodness, I realized this was unhealthy and needed to end. Thus began my challenge to love myself and get to a place where I wasn't looking for a relationship to complete me and give meaning to my life. I've made a lot of guy friends, which I'd never done before, and I thought that I was finally in that place that I'd been looking for. I wasn't trying to date every new guy I met, and I was really getting to know the guys in my life instead of construing them to be The One instead of themselves. Then I kind of fell head over heels for someone that is now one of my best friends. That was one of the hardest things that has ever happened to me, because I had never before been interested in someone that I actually knew and spent time with who didn't want to date me. It was actually a good thing, because now he's one of my close friends, and I value our friendship so much more than I would have if we'd dated and burned out. The fall out between the crush and the friendship was brutal and heart breaking, and had me questioning everything I was doing. I started to wonder what was wrong with me, even as I was making better and deeper friendships with men and women and starting to live an honest, and therefore more fulfilling, life. Then, tonight, I found myself across the table from another southern gentleman who had, until that point, seemed like someone I could want to date. Then, when I dropped him off, he patted me on the shoulder... and I knew what that was. The last crush debacle had taught me to heed the warning signs and to recognize when I was firmly seen as a friend. On the way home, I proceeded to cry and to listen to angsty, melancholy Hanson songs. I started wondering when I had gone from the girlfriend to the best friend in the eyes of all of these awesome guys, and started to wonder if it was worth it. "It," of course, referring to my newfound feminist way of being. Turns out it's a lot harder to date everyone you meet when you're more firmly grounded in who you are and no longer able to mold yourself to fit the men around you. I realized, then, that I'm still not comfortable enough to be myself. I am still scared to death of being undateable, for reasons that are completely at odds with everything that I say I believe in. How can a person say they believe in breaking the gender norms when they're completely consumed with being attractive to the opposite sex? When this other guy, who seems like excellent friend material, came across as not interested in dating me, I immediately wondered why I wasn't attractive enough instead of thinking that he just wasn't the right person. Obviously, I still have a long way to go. Until then I'll just listen to Hanson and hang out with my best (girl and guy) friends and try to face down my insecurities as a strong, feminist woman. Hopefully, when I'm ready, I'll find a man who can handle that.
"I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done."
-Buffy, "Chosen"
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